I've never been one to think, "oh, it couldn't happen to me and mine." Life is too strange, too chaotic, people are too careless and really, shit just freakin' happens all the time.
But the way Joy was killed was so bizarre that two months later, it STILL feels unreal. I'm still flinching everytime I notice I have a text or someone calls me, afraid that they're going to tell me that someone else I love is hurt or dying or no longer on this plane of existence. That, combined with her previous rafting accident, I get nervous whenever anyone I love goes on a trip. Add to all that my cats dying, my sister's dog dying, my aunt dying, and the five year anniversary of my mom's sudden death --- it was a pretty shitty holiday season and ringing in of a new year.
So what can I do?
Do I stop living, stop loving, stop caring, and let everything scare me? Bar myself away from the world? Lock my loved ones in... in what? Not a room, 'cause a truck could come through the wall and kill them all. In a box? with a fox? in a house? with a mouse? And now we're sitting with Dr. Seuss eating green eggs and ham... but I'm a vegetarian!
I WILL NOT DO THAT
I will live BIGGER, love HARDER, adventure WIDER, cultivate a DEEPER sense kindness, and create MORE! EVERY MOMENT counts. I get that. My life is what I make it. I get that too. Despite all speculations and beliefs, I don't know what comes next, so I have to make this one life AMAZING.
Yes! Absolutely! I get it! I will do it!
Now if only I could stop crying every single fucking day, sleep for more than two hours at a time, and reignite my ability to focus... If only I could wrap up this whole grieving thing...
As soon as I do, I'll get right on that living BIGGER HARDER WIDER DEEPER and making my life MORE AMAZING EVERY MOMENT.
But not just yet...