Tuesday, January 15, 2019

The Difference of a Day

Yesterday was brilliant
There was Tea & Friends & Cats & Reading & Bunnies & Conversation & Art 
I only had one big cry

I dealt with issues at work
And difficult patrons
With panache and a smile

I even had a moment 
During a hug
When a friend said sorry

Where I thought
"For what?"
Before it all came back

I forgot to be SORROW for a moment
It was delightful in that sense that I 
Was filled with LIGHT

But today
I woke up crying
And in migraine pain

Waking from nightmares 
Of dead cats
Of dead sister

Waking to feelings
Of hopelessness
Of helplessness

Waking to fears
Of what else
What comes next

Glad for the day off
I laid in bed courting sleep
Until after one pm

I am measuring the day 
In increments
In accomplishments

Things so small 
I'd normally 
Not notice

I got up
I fed the bunnies
I'm eating healthy

I emptied the top rack of the dishwasher
(Bending down hurts my head
The bottom rack can wait)

I have cried
So many times
I've lost count

I am glad
No one else is home
To witness

Today 
I hold onto yesterday
As proof of light

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Smile Deflect Rinse Repeat

At work
“Hi! How are you?”
“Fine! You?”
I am “okay”
(I am not okay)


Smile deflect rinse repeat


Out in public
“How are you holding up?”
“Well, I haven’t fallen over!”
((canned laughter))


Smile deflect rinse repeat


With friends
“How’s it been? Is there anything I can do?”
“It’s hard but I’m managing.”
((managing? What does that even mean?))
“Just, what you’re doing... be my friend.”


Smile deflect rinse repeat


In the car
At home
In my room
I crumble


I haven’t gone a day
Without crying


Smile deflect rinse repeat


It’s been
1 month
15 days
(is that all? is it that long?)
Since it happened


Smile deflect rinse repeat


Since she died


Smile deflect rinse repeat


Since she was killed


Smile deflect rinse repeat


Smile deflect rinse repeat
Smile deflect rinse repeat
Smiledeflect rinserepeat
Smiledeflectrinserepeat


*gasp*


Smile


Deflect


Rinse

Repeat