Has It Only Been Two Months?

I've never been one to think, "oh, it couldn't happen to me and mine." Life is too strange, too chaotic, people are too careless and really, shit just freakin' happens all the time.

But the way Joy was killed was so bizarre that two months later, it STILL feels unreal. I'm still flinching everytime I notice I have a text or someone calls me, afraid that they're going to tell me that someone else I love is hurt or dying or no longer on this plane of existence. That, combined with her previous rafting accident, I get nervous whenever anyone I love goes on a trip. Add to all that my cats dying, my sister's dog dying, my aunt dying, and the five year anniversary of my mom's sudden death --- it was a pretty shitty holiday season and ringing in of a new year.

So what can I do?

Do I stop living, stop loving, stop caring, and let everything scare me? Bar myself away from the world? Lock my loved ones in... in what? Not a room, 'cause a truck could come through the wall and kill them all. In a box? with a fox? in a house? with a mouse? And now we're sitting with Dr. Seuss eating green eggs and ham... but I'm a vegetarian!

NO

I WILL NOT DO THAT

I will live BIGGER, love HARDER, adventure WIDER, cultivate a DEEPER sense kindness, and create MORE! EVERY MOMENT counts. I get that. My life is what I make it. I get that too. Despite all speculations and beliefs, I don't know what comes next, so I have to make this one life AMAZING.

Yes! Absolutely! I get it! I will do it!

Now if only I could stop crying every single fucking day, sleep for more than two hours at a time, and reignite my ability to focus... If only I could wrap up this whole grieving thing...

As soon as I do, I'll get right on that living BIGGER HARDER WIDER DEEPER and making my life MORE AMAZING EVERY MOMENT.

But not just yet...

The Difference of a Day

Yesterday was brilliant

There was Tea & Friends & Cats & Reading & Bunnies & Conversation & Art 

I only had one big cry

I dealt with issues at work

And difficult patrons

With panache and a smile

I even had a moment 

During a hug

When a friend said sorry

Where I thought

"For what?"

Before it all came back

I forgot to be SORROW for a moment

It was delightful in that sense that I 

Was filled with LIGHT

But today

I woke up crying

And in migraine pain

Waking from nightmares 

Of dead cats

Of dead sister

Waking to feelings

Of hopelessness

Of helplessness

Waking to fears

Of what else

What comes next

Glad for the day off

I laid in bed courting sleep

Until after one pm

I am measuring the day 

In increments

In accomplishments

Things so small 

I'd normally 

Not notice

I got up

I fed the bunnies

I'm eating healthy

I emptied the top rack of the dishwasher

(Bending down hurts my head

The bottom rack can wait)

I have cried

So many times

I've lost count

I am glad

No one else is home

To witness

Today 

I hold onto yesterday

As proof of light

Smile Deflect Rinse Repeat

At work

“Hi! How are you?”

“Fine! You?”

I am “okay”

(I am not okay)

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Out in public

“How are you holding up?”

“Well, I haven’t fallen over!”

((canned laughter))

Smile deflect rinse repeat

With friends

“How’s it been? Is there anything I can do?”

“It’s hard but I’m managing.”

((managing? What does that even mean?))

“Just, what you’re doing... be my friend.”

Smile deflect rinse repeat

In the car

At home

In my room

I crumble

I haven’t gone a day

Without crying

Smile deflect rinse repeat

It’s been

1 month

15 days
(is that all? is it that long?)

Since it happened

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Since she died

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Since she was killed

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smiledeflect rinserepeat

Smiledeflectrinserepeat

*gasp*

Smile

Deflect

Rinse

Repeat