Sunday, December 9, 2018

I Am Going Nowhere Today

Meander on the left, Nemesis on the right

I Am Going Nowhere Today
by j9 vaughn

I see you out there Death 
Sitting on my doorstep
I will not ask you in
You were not invited

I will stay in my house
Pretend you are not there
I will not let you in
You were not invited

So much there is to do
With all you have taken
I do not want you here
You were not invited

But Death you came inside
And made my home your own
I did not ask you in
You were not invited

As of late, I have had a lot of death in my world. 

On November 1st (Dia de Los Muertos), I took my cat Meander who had been losing weight and acting lethargic, to the vet. We hoped it was related to the thyroid problems we were already treating. But his thyroid levels were fine. So we did X-rays and found that his entire chest cavity was filled with fluids. Every possible prognosis from there led to more pain and suffering for Meander. At 16 or 17 (his true age was never known as I got him when I was working at the shelter) and the frail state of his body, made him not a good candidate for surgery which my vet saw this leading to since there was most likely a cancerous mass causing the fluids. So I made the decision to euthanize. He died purring.

I wrote this blog post about my sister who died tragically on November 24th, 2018. The post includes a link to my youngest sister getting interviewed since it was the house she was renting that got destroyed. The house belongs to my cousin who had to fly back to the USA from Qatar to deal with all that mess. I ended up getting into Mexico, finding out about my sister, then turning around and flying back to the USA. (I was  going to the International Book Fair in Guadalajara with a grad class and for my job at the library.) 

On December 7th, my youngest sister, the one whose house had been destroyed and was there with my oldest sister, woke up to her elderly beagle Betsy (who had just been diagnosed with cancer behind one of her eyes) not breathing well. So my sister took her into the clinic. Her vet did everything she could, but Betsy didn't make it.

Nemesis (Nems) who was mine and my bestie's cat, had been losing weight just before I left for Mexico. My bestie and our housie were keeping an eye on him while I was gone. But he wasn't eating well, so when I got back, I took him to the vet. He was down from 11 lbs to 8 lbs, but the vet felt it was most likely due to a viral infection, possibly toxoplasmosis, and thought that he should be able to kick it with the antibiotics. But there was a slight chance that it was cancerous, so I was keeping a close eye on him. On December 8th, between 11 pm and midnight, a few hours after I had given him his meds and we had cuddled, he had moved to lay on the floor. (He always forgave me so fast! With 2 syringes of meds, 1 of water, and a pill shoved in his face, he would be mad for like half a minute then would come back to cuddle and purr in my lap.) I noticed he didn't come over for food, but he had eaten earlier so I wasn't too worried. Then he started coughing, loud and hard. He wasn't getting breath. I checked his airways, but he wasn't choking on anything, he was just choking. I called the 24 hour vet as he stopped breathing. They said to bring him in. With me practically shouting, "really? He's not breathing!" as my housie and I ran to the door and I was calling my bestie. But then I could feel his heart stop... and he went limp... Since I worked at an animal shelter years ago, I know how to check for vital signs in a cat. He was gone... so quick... on December 8th I had lost another cat, another friend, another gentle, loving soul. I cried, I wailed, I keened. My housie cried with me and, as soon as she got home, my bestie joined in the mourning. 
It just S U C K S!!!

December 12th, 2018, is my Mom's 5 year death-iversary. And I'm just done.


  1. I’m glad you wrote about it. As long as you have the energy, keep writing. Just so devastating ��