To Think On Peace

When I think of peace

I think of water

Of smooth surfaces

Of oceanic depths

Of cleansing

Of quenching 

Of succor

Of need

(Of tears of drowning)

Peace like water

Is contorted stillness

An ocean holds so much

Life and death within 

The waves are the rhythm 

The breathing of its heart

The cadence of the souls

That reside inside 

There are constant changes

Occurring to and through

Any body of water

As with all things

Yet unlike land

When storms pass

The water 

Is as it was

And unlike fire

None can stifle

The power 

Of its flow

And unlike air

It is seen and heard

More than effect

Of its passing

Is that the essence

Of peace?

To truly live

A life of peace

Is it not to live

A life apart

But instead to live

A life connected

Feeling all the things

That happen to and through

Always changing 

With every squall

But remaining true 

To who you are

(To who I am for who you were)

These things in life

Will wash through me

Will wash over me

Changing me within

Without destroying 

Who I am

A frog sitting

On the surface 

Of a placid pond

Water so clear

The frog begins 

To call its call

Sing its song

Creating vibration

Rippling out

Through water

In the shape 

Of the frog

Each ripple 

Reflecting the other

Connecting the frog

To the water

When the song

Falls silent

The frog and pond

Are as they were

Yet they have changed

I have changed

The world has changed

Around and through us 

I want to be the water

And the frog

And the vibration

And the stillness

I want to be the trees

Mirrored in the pond

The clouds overhead

And the space between

Peace

Is all these things

I want to be 

Peace

Dying Rainbow

I dyed

My hair

Rainbow colors

Because it was fun

Because I loved to see

people smile and giggle

When they saw my hair

But after tragedy

A cat dying

The killing of Joy

I shaved my head

Then a second cat

And an aunt died

Sad, wanting to hide

I instead covered my head

With scarves, hats, and hoods

No more bright rainbow colors

For I have not found happiness

Though there are sparks

With caring friends

A new found dog

And a foster cat

But my hair has

Been growing

The grayest hue

It has ever been

In the grays are

Flecks of silver

Persist in

Shining

Through my grief

Someday, I’ll share my silver

Smile Deflect Rinse Repeat

At work

“Hi! How are you?”

“Fine! You?”

I am “okay”

(I am not okay)

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Out in public

“How are you holding up?”

“Well, I haven’t fallen over!”

((canned laughter))

Smile deflect rinse repeat

With friends

“How’s it been? Is there anything I can do?”

“It’s hard but I’m managing.”

((managing? What does that even mean?))

“Just, what you’re doing... be my friend.”

Smile deflect rinse repeat

In the car

At home

In my room

I crumble

I haven’t gone a day

Without crying

Smile deflect rinse repeat

It’s been

1 month

15 days
(is that all? is it that long?)

Since it happened

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Since she died

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Since she was killed

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smile deflect rinse repeat

Smiledeflect rinserepeat

Smiledeflectrinserepeat

*gasp*

Smile

Deflect

Rinse

Repeat

I want to Eat His Heart

He killed my sister

I want to eat his heat

I want to hit him with a truck
I want to rip him limb from limb

I want him to feel the pain my sister felt

Until there's nothing left but his eyes
I want his body to be crushed

I want to eat his eyes

He killed my sister

I Am Going Nowhere Today

Meander on the left, Nemesis on the right

I Am Going Nowhere Today

by j9 vaughn

I see you out there Death 

Sitting on my doorstep

I will not ask you in

You were not invited

I will stay in my house

Pretend you are not there

I will not let you in

You were not invited

So much there is to do

With all you have taken

I do not want you here

You were not invited

But Death you came inside

And made my home your own

I did not ask you in

You were not invited

As of late, I have had a lot of death in my world. 

On November 1st (Dia de Los Muertos), I took my cat Meander who had been losing weight and acting lethargic, to the vet. We hoped it was related to the thyroid problems we were already treating. But his thyroid levels were fine. So we did X-rays and found that his entire chest cavity was filled with fluids. Every possible prognosis from there led to more pain and suffering for Meander. At 16 or 17 (his true age was never known as I got him when I was working at the shelter) and the frail state of his body, made him not a good candidate for surgery which my vet saw this leading to since there was most likely a cancerous mass causing the fluids. So I made the decision to euthanize. He died purring.

I wrote this blog post about my sister who died tragically on November 24th, 2018. The post includes a link to my youngest sister getting interviewed since it was the house she was renting that got destroyed. The house belongs to my cousin who had to fly back to the USA from Qatar to deal with all that mess. I ended up getting into Mexico, finding out about my sister, then turning around and flying back to the USA. (I was  going to the International Book Fair in Guadalajara with a grad class and for my job at the library.) 

On December 7th, my youngest sister, the one whose house had been destroyed and was there with my oldest sister, woke up to her elderly beagle Betsy (who had just been diagnosed with cancer behind one of her eyes) not breathing well. So my sister took her into the clinic. Her vet did everything she could, but Betsy didn't make it.

Nemesis (Nems) who was mine and my bestie's cat, had been losing weight just before I left for Mexico. My bestie and our housie were keeping an eye on him while I was gone. But he wasn't eating well, so when I got back, I took him to the vet. He was down from 11 lbs to 8 lbs, but the vet felt it was most likely due to a viral infection, possibly toxoplasmosis, and thought that he should be able to kick it with the antibiotics. But there was a slight chance that it was cancerous, so I was keeping a close eye on him. On December 8th, between 11 pm and midnight, a few hours after I had given him his meds and we had cuddled, he had moved to lay on the floor. (He always forgave me so fast! With 2 syringes of meds, 1 of water, and a pill shoved in his face, he would be mad for like half a minute then would come back to cuddle and purr in my lap.) I noticed he didn't come over for food, but he had eaten earlier so I wasn't too worried. Then he started coughing, loud and hard. He wasn't getting breath. I checked his airways, but he wasn't choking on anything, he was just choking. I called the 24 hour vet as he stopped breathing. They said to bring him in. With me practically shouting, "really? He's not breathing!" as my housie and I ran to the door and I was calling my bestie. But then I could feel his heart stop... and he went limp... Since I worked at an animal shelter years ago, I know how to check for vital signs in a cat. He was gone... so quick... on December 8th I had lost another cat, another friend, another gentle, loving soul. I cried, I wailed, I keened. My housie cried with me and, as soon as she got home, my bestie joined in the mourning. 

It just S U C K S!!!

December 12th, 2018, is my Mom's 5 year death-iversary. And I'm just done.

Death Stalked My Sister

This is the news station my sister Kess works for covering the accident that killed my other sister Joy. I so love & admire my youngest sister Kess for being willing to go on camera & be interviewed to make sure Joy’s story was told right. I doubt I could have done it.

https://www.waaytv.com/content/news/Family-remembers-Huntsville-woman-killed-in-tragic-crash-501291251.html

This is the poem I wrote:

And Followed Her Inside

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

Joy was my first best friend

I was her annoying shadow

She liked to tease and instigate

That’s how her love did show

We played at being mermaids

Sirenas of ocean flow

We learned to speak a language

Not our native tongue

Living in Venezuela

When we were both quite young

She had an ear for music

For HER Spanish sung

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

For five years we lived overseas

And such adventures had

Four lively sisters

With our mom and dad

We had a sheltered life

Before things went so bad

She once stopped me from drowning

I’d ignored my father’s call

I walked until my foot did slip

Atop a waterfall

She reached her hand and grabbed me

And saved me from the fall

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

The first of the tragedies

Came with deafening sound

In Puerto Ordaz Venezuela

A firecracker round

Was thrown in through a window

And landed on the ground

Right next to Joy’s desk

Exploding by left ear

The world went blank and silent

And nothing could she hear

For almost seven days

Before the ear did clear

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

The second strange occurrence

Came falling from the sky

Joy and her friend Jef

Were merely riding by

A road construction worker

Fell from a bridge on high

She thought her friend was dead

So much blood was all around

The roof had buckled inwards

With a devastating sound

But the blood was from the faller

The friends each other found

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

She studied to teach Spanish

High school teacher through and through

The students they all loved her

It was what she loved to do

Until they took that fateful trip

With tragedy so true

They went to Costa Rica

To take in all the sights

They learned and shared so much

Through several days and nights

The last day they went rafting

Beyond the city lights

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

But the rapids were unkind

And though she was a swimmer

She might’ve tried to save a man

And dove without a glimmer

Of what was waiting for her

Or how she’d not remember

Afterwards her brain was lost

Her care was everything

Our mother took the lion’s share

With all of us helping

Until our mommie’s heart did fail

Sister Q the new life ring

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

My sisters they were sleeping

When death came to entice

It shook the worlds foundation

With vengeance and with vice

Such devastating power

Crashing walls like paper rice

Kess my youngest sister

Was just two rooms away

As walls came falling down

And plumbing broke to spray

Dust and smoke were flying

As she ran into the fray

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And followed her inside

In the air to Mexico

I heard not the alarm

Ringing through the stratosphere

Our Joy has come to harm

My feet kissed foreign soil

As the world lost all its charm

My anger is an unhinged beast

Wants to destroy that man

Who stole my sister from this world

Without a thought or plan

I want to hit him with a truck

And end him if I can.

To oceans and rivers

She was forever tied

To water and drowning

To death that ever lied

Until it drove a pickup truck

And BURIED her inside

And yet all around my rage

Such blessings do abound

Joy would see the joy in it

Just stop and look around

For as she’d say in her own way

They always can be found